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“Marry You – Part 1” focused on the ever-popular but very disheartening topic of divorce. Similar to having multiple ways to calculate our nation’s divorce rate, the real-life results of divorce are many, complicated and highly personal. The mix of reactions and emotions are incalculable and may never be completely discovered.
A New York Times article, written by Alain de Botton outlines reasons why so many marriages fail. “Why you will marry the wrong person” is a heartfelt and psychological look at why marriages were first created (monetary, political and convenience reasons) and how they were often unhappy unions. So in a time of current marriages, which focus more on feelings, why are they often doomed to fail? While you could argue there are still plenty of marriages of convenience and marriages on-par with business relationships, I’d like to think most Americans strive to create unions to be happy. Instinctually, we feel we have connected with “the One” and we trust ourselves. de Botton says, “The prestige of instinct is the traumatized reaction against too many centuries of unreasonable reason.”
The reality is everyone has their reasons for getting married. The reasons are as numerous as the aforementioned results of divorce. de Botton notes we really aren’t looking for happiness in marriage, but to perpetuate the familiarity from childhood relationships: “The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his anger, of not feeling secure enough to communicate our wishes.” Then throw in de Botton’s pièce de résistance: “We marry the wrong people because we don’t associate being loved with feeling happy.” If this is true, then how in the world do we end up choosing someone with whom we can be happy ever after?
The third, and concluding, part of this series is a candid look at mirrors, realistic expectations and self-awareness.
A June 23 tweet from Alain de Botton @alaindebotton:
If you’re dead sure your misery is entirely your partner’s fault, Leave. But if there’s any risk it might trail you, Remain.
By: Melissa Hardin Baysinger
